An author I absolutely love said wrote something in a book (can’t find it right now) that mirrors a feeling that I’ve had before, and to see it outside of my head, in black and white on the printed page, made me feel all sorts of things. Chiefly among them is the notion that other people can feel this thing that I feel.

In this book, there is a detective who has a motley family of adopted kids, old friends, people who love him. He’s a regular dude, except that he knows how to move and has enough life experience to know how best to approach a problem.

In this particular scene I’m thinking of, he was hurt badly in a fight, and one of his kids asks him if he’s okay. He’s broken, hurt, can’t talk, and he says something that really resonated with me.

I’m paraphrasing here.

She asked me if I was okay, and the fact that I couldn’t answer and reassure her made me the saddest I’ve ever been in my life.

I figured out a while ago that I am highly empathetic. I cannot stand when evil wins, or when people are hurt. I have a physical response to hearing someone cry in pain, and, when I was younger, I couldn’t stand the thought that someone didn’t like me, so I did a lot for people who, frankly, didn’t deserve it. I wanted to be liked so bad I twisted myself into someone I couldn’t recognize.

Anyway, I pride myself on my hugs. It’s a thing I have a lot of practice at, and I believe in full, squeeze hugs. I know how it feels to be hugged, and to be able to give hugs gives me and who I’m hugging all the dopamine our systems can handle. I like to make people feel comfortable, seen, loved.

Anyway, this past Friday, I left work and happened to check my work email one last time, and someone I work with had emailed me. I could tell during the workday that they were having a bad day; sometimes, that shit happens in our line of work. Nothing goes right, your co-workers are assholes that day, your manager is on some bullshit.

They asked for a hug.

And I was gone.

And that thought, that I wasn’t around when I could have made a difference, completely gutted me.

Postscript: The next time I saw them, I gave them a hug, and everything was right with the world for ten seconds or so.